Kim and Mary Sue
by Alice Shade
Summary: Just a short piece of Mary Sue bashing. Written under influence. You ve been warned.


_I don't own Kim or Wade. Rimm is my creation. Neither is used for receiving any kind of profit._

_Alice Shade is me myself. This is just a short piece of Mary Sue bashing. If you still, as asinine is it is, want any kind of sequel or prequel or whatever, you can do it yourself. And please, if you do, leave me out of it. I think I already hurt myself pretty enough._

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kim woke up with a weird feeling. She knew, that something monumentally pivotal would happen today. More than that, she felt the wonder knocking on her door. That would be very interesting, in not one thing - she was so tired after the late-night mission, which inconspiciously changed it's timeslot to be an early-morning mission, that she had no energy to climb out of bed without rolling on the floor. Of course, such hard tasks, as getting clothed were totally out of bounds for her, right now.

Kim yawned, and snuggled back to her pillow, dead-set on getting a few more hours of sleep. After all, she deserved a break, too, and today was Saturday. Whatever great was waiting hor her, it could wait. Tweebs were spending the night at one of their friends house, and parents wouldn't wake her up, knowing how late she got home. Kim yawned yet again, and squinted at the door.

'I swear, it it'll open now, I'll scream.' - she thought, and closed her eyes. Door squeaked. Kim opened left eye, irritated.

"...sh'my dayyoff, limmelone..." - she mumbled, taking a look at her visitor. It was she. She had a mane of hair, which could be described only as beautiful - almost the same color as Kim's, but with much richer color tone, and with twice as volume as Kim had. It took a second for Kim to decypher face. It was like her own, but more beautiful. Eyes were of rich emerald color, and lips looked luscious enough to kill for. The rest of the face was appropriate to those features. All that was connected together with a flawless skin, with beautiful tan.

Perhaps, seeing an ideal mirror image of herself tipped off Kim's inner alarm, because she forced herself to open her right eye, and look more thoroughly. Now seeing face in stereo image did nothing to reduce it's perfection. But, much to Kim's chagrin, stereoscopic view also revealed the impressive figure. And if Kim could say that legs were only slightly better, then hers, visitor's cleavage was guaranteed to put her to shame - from Kim's view it was just the right size and perkiness.

"Hello, my dear sister!" - said the aforementioned representation of flawless beauty.

"Whuh thuh heck ahre you?!" - grumbled Kim, wishing for nothing more, then to pull the blanket over her head.

Lovely visitor smiled to her - "Why, I am your long lost twin sister, Kim! I'm so happy I could finally see you again!"

Kim signed, and sat up in her bed - "Look, you are crazy. I don't have any sisters. Only siblings I have are tweebs, and I'm not exactly thrilled about it either. So go back to whereever you came from, and let me have some sleep, dammit!"

To Kim, that was perfectly rational reply at the moment, and she expected full compliance, especially taking in consideration, that it was her room, her bed and her day-off. Too bad the apparition of uneartly perfection thought othervise.

"Don't worry, sister, we'll have you up and raring in no time! Oh, sorry, I forgot to say my name. I'm Rimm!" - said the eyewateringly pretty visitor, causally taking a seat at the end of Kim's bed. Kim considered kicking her from the bed, and out of room, but once again, she was too tired, so she decided to try arguing once again, before forcing herself into action.

"Fine, Rimm! Let's say I believe you, now will you get out of my damned room and let me have my damned sleep!?!" - she said angrily, and realised, in the end of the sentence, that she was actually angry enough not to want to sleep anymore. But it was a matter of principle, and Kim was going to get the annoying being out of room for at least four solid hours.

Rimm smiled, and patted Kim's shoulder - "Don't worry, sister. I'll be taking care of your business today. You just relax, kick back and have fun, OK?"

Kim threw her arm off - "What the heck are you talking about?!"

Rimm smiled yet again, this time sweetly enough to make Kim diabetic - "I just want to help you, that's all. I mean, you must have day-offs sometimes, right?"

Kim yelled - "I'm having one right now, dammit! Now, PLEASE, get outta here before I will throw you out!"

Rimm laughed - "Come on, you can't really mean this, can you? Besides, I'm better in martial arts then you. I already had beaten Shego once and for all, and I'm going to get rid of other villains, so you won't have to bother with them anymore."

That was it, because Kim jumped up on the bed, then rolled in the floor, and assumed fighting stance.

"That's it, 'sis'! Now you're going to get it!" - she yelled.

Rimm chuckled - "Come on, sister, I won't fight you. I'm the hero, after all, I don't fight my siblings."

Kim balled her fists, and clenched her teeth. This annoying, arrogant creature wasn't going out of door, oh no! It was going straight out of window, and for once, Kim was sadistically glad, that it was closed tight.

"WBOOM-BOOM-WBOOM!" - Kim winced at the loudness. It sounded like something exploded right in her doorway. She watched in sick fashination, as Rimm was spattered against the wall, in a burst of crimson raindrops. Her head bounced off the wall, and landed on Kim's blanket. Kim blinked and shook her head.

'Oh great, now my sheets are spoiled far beyond any of my periods could spoil them.' - she thought.

Second thought was - 'Now parents will run here like rabbits on fire!'

Then came third thought - 'Just a second, who the hell offed her? Not that I really mind, but isn't that an overkill? I would've settled for fractured facebones.'

Kim turned around. There was somebody standing in the doorway. Somebody tall. Somebody with a gun. Somebody with blonde hair.

"Ok, who the hell are YOU?" - asked Kim. She wanted only to sleep, but oh hell - if life sends you lemon, you should make some lemonade.

"Hi there, Kim. Sorry to burst on you like this, but I had to get rid of her, pronto." - newscomer said.

Kim shrugged angrily - "Well, thanks a lot! Now I have my bed covered with blood and gibs."

"Kimmiesaurus, take a look first, willja?" - she got the reply. Feeling herself stupid, she turned and looked. There was still head on the bed, but there was no blood, and no stray chunks of meet. Lower part of body was still there, laying under the bed, along with arms, strewn over the room.

Kim turned back - "Who the hell was she, and who the hell are you? And how are you going to deal with cops?"

Killer stepped to Kim's room - "Don't you want to sleep, baby?"

Kim yelled - "Not freaking anymore, now then I am annoyed outta my skin and have a dismembered body in the room!"

Kim wasn't really looking before, and right now she saw newscomer for first time. It was she. She was tall - at least six feet. She was clearly underweight, and wasn't looking any spectacular. You could meet a girl like her on the street, and not think twice about her. She was pale, and had haggard look. Worst of all - she had a gun in her hands. Kim saw a lot of guns, but she never saw anything like this before in real life.

"So, who the hell are you?" - asked Kim again.

Newscomer signed - "Look, I don't have much time. My name's Alice Shade, if that says anything to you."

Kim snorted - "Not really. So who the hell was that my so-called sister?"

Alice shrugged - "That's Mary Sue. Or, in your case, Kimmie Sue."

Kim blinked - "What do you mean?"

She got a reply - "She's a wannabe Kim. So she can do all that you can do, only better, and that stuff. In essence, she'll be somebody's ideal version of him/herself depicted in your likelyness."

Kim asked, confuzed - "Come again?"

"Look, I can't really explain. In short, those like her are perfect beings, capable of totally replacing any person, usually some hero or celebrity. A production of obsessed fan's mind, who wants to be you." - came hurried reply, - "Anyway, I can't really stay for long - gotta motor back to my reality."

"Wait a second! Do you mean, that that was my fan from your reality?" - asked Kim urgently.

- Yeah. We have a big TV-show about you. Look Kim, I really would've liked to stay and chat, but I don't want to be Mary Sue myself.

- What do you mean?

- Any self-insertion in a fiction reality is a Mary Sue.

Alice went across the room, and picked up head from Kim's bed.

- Take a closer look, Kim. That's perfect being - so perfect it's not plausible. Everybody's got faults. By the way, it's the only reason, why I'm not burning yet.

- Burning?

- Most of Mary Sues get awful amount of flames. Didn't you noticed, how fast is this abomination disappearing?

True, legs were almost gone, as well as arms. Only head still was solid.

- Flames?

- Look, I'd advocate you to ask Wade all about it. He's a computer geek, he's ought to know terms used in fandoms.

- I'd rather have you explain that, if you don't mind!

- Only in an outline. Mary Sue is a bad writing. If you'll be bothered by seemingly perfect creatures again - look for some really bad thing about them. If there isn't, you can safely kill them - Mary Sues are almost immortal - the only way to get rid of it would be to kill author. You can smash them with ten tons steel safes, you can blow them up with bombs, you can bury them alive, cut apart in a barrel full of glass shards, crucify them, extract any organs, including brain, and sacrifice them in the name of billions and single persons - they will always come back as soon as it will take you to read about it. Reasoning with them is useless - they 'know' better, because they're perfect. Also, they always get what they want, would it be hero's mantle, love of any person, somebody's life, or world domination. Oh, and they always have superpowers and superweapons.

- Well, aren't you Mary Sue too?

- Not really. I don't seek to stay here, for starters, and I'm by no means perfect of even gorgeous. Take a look yourself.

Kim looked with interest on the torn off head, which started to fade, already, then on the head of her guest. Comparison was in favour of first, in spite of being severed. Guest was... Well, Kim saw nothing ugly, but nothing outstanding either, except for extreme paleness. Eyes of dull blue color, sunburned blonde hair, roughly looking skin. Scratched hands, broken nails, no makeup. Beaten leather coat, faded jeans, old boots.

Guest suddenly twitched - "Look, Kim, I can't really stay anymore. As imperfect as I am, any longer, and I'll become Mary Sue too."

She tossed her rifle to Kim, and run out of the door.

"Keep it as a memory!" - heard Kim, just before her door slammed. Kim signed, dropped rifle, and ambled to her bed.

'I must be hallucinating from the sleep deprivation!' - she thought, crawled under the clean blanket, and fell asleep.

When Kim woke up, it was already past midday. She remembered morning happenings, but decided, that it was all one big weird dream. After all, she wasn't a TV character, was she? All was fine, till she stumbled over something on her floor. For a few seconds, she just jumped around on one leg, holding the abused toes of other and swearing. Then, she took herself in hands figuratively instead of literally, and checked out, what did she stumbled upon.

It was a rifle of her second guest. Kim whipped out Kimmunicator, and as soon as Wade replied, demanded him to look over the gun.

- Whoa, where'd you got that, Kim?

- What? You never saw anything like it before? It's not existing in reality, right, Wade?

- What? I know what it is, Kim.

Kim signed with relief.

- So, what is that, Wade?

- Well, if I'm not mistaking anything, it's Jackhammer.

Kim paused for a second, then said - "Wade, I appreciate your sence of humour, but I really want to know, what this thing is."

Wade laughed - "No, Kim, you don't understand. It's an assault shotgun. It goes under the codename of Jackhammer. But where did you got that? As far as I know, they are still in development, and only experimental prototypes exist."

Kim signed - "Experimental, you say?"

Wade on the screen nodded.

"Give me a closer look on the drum." - he said.

Kim looked for a few on a gun, then realised, what was needed, and held Kimmunicator over the stock.

Wade whistled - "Whoa, that's weird. This one is different from official prototypes."

- Different in what sence?

- Eight shells instead of ten, eight gauge instead of twelve.

- You mean, it's worse, then prototypes?

- What do you mean, worse?

- Well, you said, there are less charges, and they are smaller...

- Eight gauge is the biggest shotgun caliber avalaible, Kim. Any more, and you'll have flak cannon.

Kim murmured to herself - "I guess, they were both Mary Sues..."

- Mary Sue?! Kim, where did you heard this?

- Well, Wade, it's a long story. Can you please explain me first, what is Mary Sue?

- Of course, Kim. I didn't knew you liked fanfiction, through... So, Mary Sue for girls, or Gary Stu for guys, it's a self insertion of author in the fictional universe, which are usually overpoweringly better, then all other characters, and...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

_If anybody is wondering about Jackhammer, it is an existing gun, but it IS on experimental stage only._


End file.
